Trust?

Trust. What an alien sounding word. Until a few months ago, I really didn't know what it meant to trust someone. I learned at a very young age that trusting people only leads to pain. I trusted my parents to keep me safe and yet I endured a childhood of horrific sexual abuse. I was taught to trust the adults my parents said were safe. The men my stepfather called his friends were no safer than he was. Why the hell would I ever trust anyone after the endless string of betrayals in my life?

If you read yesterday's post, then you know that something changed in my life this year. You know about ManKind Project and the group of men who made me believe that maybe, just maybe, some people could be trusted. What I didn't tell you yesterday is that last week one of those men violated that trust and sent my world into a tailspin. I went to group last night and confronted him using the tools of MKP to try to clear the air. The burning anger that simmered beneath the surface for me for a week has dissipated thanks to that process. The anger is gone, but the pain remains. The doubt remains. I was asked if I could trust this man enough to sit with him every week. I was asked by this man if I could forgive him. The only response I could give was I don't know.

When it comes to trust I am still an infant. Even though the men in my MKP group have nearly all earned a trust I never thought I had to give, it is still new and raw. What this man did to violate that trust has left me wondering if perhaps I was right before and that trust isn't worth it. Before, there's a telling word. Not trusting is an old pattern for me. My work here in attempting to heal from my childhood sexual abuse and my work in MKP to become a man I can be proud of means becoming someone new and not holding on to who I was. Yes this man violated my trust and hurt me deeply, but there are a dozen other men in this group who have and continue to honor my trust in them and who seem to trust me in return. I am learning that trust can open doors as well as open wounds.

Will I be able to trust this man again? Only time and space will reveal the answer to that question. As for forgiveness, that's a hell of a question best saved for another time...