A Way Out, But Not THE Way Out...

Everyone's pain is different. I can't begin to know exactly what Linkin Park front man Chester Bennington's pain was when he made the choice to take his own life yesterday. I do know a little bit of his story though, and a lot of his music, and I know that one thing we had in common was both being survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Chester was pretty open about it in interviews and it came through in a lot of subtle ways in his songs. I have been sitting with a lot of pain since news of Chester's suicide reached me yesterday. I had a really hard time holding it together at work. I wanted to run home and turn his music up as loud as my speakers could handle and scream along with him.

When I was twenty years old, I let my pain wash over me so strong that I was pulled away by the riptide and carried under. I did my best to take what felt like the only way out. I failed and the thought of taking my own life has been barely a whisper ever since. Until now. Now that voice is screaming in my head. Disclosing my abuse. The nightmares. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The pain. The rage. The shame. FUCK!!! For the first time in nearly twenty years that voice is back screaming in my head that there is an easier way out of all of this pain then doing all of this work and ripping open all of these old wounds. That voice is so fucking soothing and seductive. Chester's suicide seems to be serving as a reminder to a dark part of myself that death is a way out.

Suicide is a way out, but it is not THE way out. There has to be a way to process all of this trauma and pain and shit and come out the other side. There has to be a way to heal and be happy. I have to believe, I CHOOSE to believe that there is a better way out of this pain then to end any chance at a happy life. My heart breaks for Chester and his pain. My heart breaks for the pain of every childhood sexual abuse survivor who has to carry the weight of the memories that threaten to overwhelm us. My heart breaks, but it still beats. Where there is life there is hope. Where there is hope there can be found support. If you were affected by Chester Bennington's suicide or by your abuse or by anything in life that is leading you to think that taking your life is the only way out then please hear me. There is hope. There is support. You are not alone. It will get better. As much as the past few days have awoken the black dog of depression in my life, I have found too much love and support on my journey these past few months to follow Chester's lead. Nobody can save me but myself. I need to make the choice to seek support, to accept the outstretched hands I once slapped away, to look for the little moments of joy, to live, to THRIVE.