That day in October of 1983 started out as the best day of my life and my earliest memory. I was three years old when I became a big brother. The morning started out with me getting to lay eyes on my little brother for the first time. He was born prematurely and was so little that I wasn't allowed to hold him or touch him yet, but I could see him. It made me so happy. We were going to have so much fun playing together. There was so much I was going to teach him about the world. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer during her pregnancy so she and my baby brother had to stay in the hospital for a while.
I spent some of my time at my mom's sister's house, but a lot of time was spent with my mom's then boyfriend who later became her husband. The entire truck ride home from the hospital I was excited and chatting away. My stepfather seemed preoccupied and distant, but I didn't really understand that at the time. It must have been late when we got home because as soon as we walked into the house he said it was time to get ready for bed. I thought he was going to start the water for my bath, but instead he started to take his clothes off when we got to the bathroom. I was confused, was he taking a bath first? He glared at me and told me to get my clothes off. He was tired and wanted to get to bed. He didn't want to waste time on my bath. We were just going to take a shower and go to bed. I was confused. I had never taken a shower before, but something in his voice told me not to argue.
In a few minutes I was standing naked in the tub shivering because it was cold in the house. My stepfather got in the tub next to me leaving our naked bodies very close together. I jumped when he turned on the water and it came spraying down on my head. He handed me a bar of soap and then grabbed one himself and told me to do what he did as he started to lather up his body. He seemed to spend a lot of time lathering up his penis. It started to get bigger until it looked big and red and angry. All I could do was stare at it. He looked down at me staring at his growing erection and sneered at me in disgust. "What a surprise," he said. "You're the son of a whore who's not going to be putting out for a while. Maybe it's time to make you one too!" With that he reached down and lifted my small three year old body into the air. The next thing I felt was like fire shooting up my butt as he rammed the full length of his hard adult member into my three year old anus. Everything went white. For a moment my mouth opened in a silent scream and then suddenly I began to cry and scream. It hurts! Please stop! What are you doing! Ow! Ow!! OW!!! It didn't matter how much I cried or begged, he just kept slamming into me over and over again until he let out a loud grunt and stopped for a moment with his pelvis pressed up tight against my small behind. He pulled me off of him with a wet sucking sound and then set me down on the tub floor where I collapsed into a ball. He just rinsed himself off and climbed out of the shower leaving me on the floor with the water pouring down on my naked shivering body as the water spiraled down the drain stained red with the blood trickling out of my torn anus.
At this point, the flashback always ends and I find myself once more a thirty-six year old man but one who is still shivering and crying and begging for it to stop...
Thank you Brendan for the courage to tell your story! I honor and acknowledge you for the healing work that you are bringing to this messed up planet!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your unwavering support, encouragement, and love my brother!
DeleteI honour your bravery, your work and your process of healing. It gives me insight to understand the trauma and life experience of other men who I know very well in MKP, who had similar pasts.
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave thing you are doing! While I was not sexually abused, my mother and her sister were by their father. My aunt had become pregnant and was forced to give up the baby for adoption. To cover up what he did, he beat my aunt senseless in the police station until she agreed to give a false allegation of rape against an innocent man.
ReplyDeleteMy mother had blocked out what he had done and became a drug addict. We lived with him for a year while she finished nursing school. He 'found Jesus', yet beat the crap out of me for wetting the bed, all the while using the various churches he attended to molest more little girls. My mother neglected my needs both physically and emotionally, and was stoned when I told her that my best friend had committed suicide. Only in the last few years have I started to heal.