My Story

This photo was taken on my third birthday just two months before my baby brother was born and I was left alone for a month with, and sexually abused by, my stepfather. The nearly nightly sexual assaults began when I was three years old and didn't stop until just before I turned twelve. Not only did my stepfather sexually abuse me, but he also regularly let his friends use me for their own gratification as well. My childhood was a literal hell.

When I was sixteen my mother began to question my sexual orientation and announced her intention to discuss her concerns with my stepfather. I was terrified. It had been almost four years since he had stopped raping me nearly every night and now my mother was going to tell him she thought I was gay. All I could think was that he would think that meant that I liked what he did to me and would take it as a green light to start again. I packed a bag that night and walked away from my childhood home and never looked back.

Over the next twenty years I existed in a hollow survival mode doing the bare minimum to get by in life. In my early twenties I tried to take my own life. A handful of times after something would trigger me and memories of the sexual abuse would return in the form of flashbacks and nightmares. Each time I would find a way to push the memories down, to deny and repress them, so that I could go back to that numb place that I called living.

When I was thirty-six I met a man who invited me to attend a group of men belonging to an organization called The ManKind Project. I had spent my entire life not trusting people as a result of the abuse at the hands of my stepfather and his friends. For some inexplicable reason, over the course of four meetings with this group of men I began to trust them. When one of those men told me about a weekend event called the New Warrior Training Adventure, I decided to keep trusting and give it a shot. It was during that weekend that I stood face to face with another man and for the first time in my life found myself telling another person out loud what my stepfather had done to me. All of the pain, all of the shame, all of the confusion, sadness, and rage came pouring out. It opened a floodgate, a Pandora's Box, that I don't think I could close even if I wanted to. The truth was out.

I wish I could tell you that it was all sunshine and rainbows after that, but I'm here to share my truth not to lie to you. Disclosing my childhood sexual abuse set off a chain reaction in my mind, heart, and soul. The memories of nearly a decade of childhood trauma and rape came flooding back in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and out of body disassociative episodes. For a few months there I felt like I was drowning. I had learned a valuable lesson from my disclosure to the men on my ManKind Project weekend though. I learned that there were people who cared and that there were resources available to help me begin to finally heal the wounded child within me.

Make no mistake, I am a man that is still healing. I have a long way to go on this journey. My hope is that by sharing my story and the resources that are helping me to heal from my childhood sexual abuse, I might help another man find his way on his journey. Know that you are loved. That you are not alone. That people care. That there is help. We are not victims. We are not merely survivors. We are MEN and we will THRIVE!