The Voices In My Head

As the late Chester Bennington said, "The space between my ears is a bad fucking neighborhood that I shouldn't be left alone in." Nearly a decade of childhood sexual and emotional abuse left me with the clear message that I was absolutely worthless. If I had any value as a human being then I wouldn't have spent my childhood as a living sex toy for my stepfather and whoever he felt like sharing me with. I've been around long enough to know that we all have voices in our heads. Bits and pieces of messages that we picked up along the way that we internalized. A grandfather's advice, being shamed in public by a parent, being ridiculed by peers. The good, the bad, and the ugly all informs how we see ourselves and how we talk to ourselves. The messages that I received as a child resulted in some pretty fucked up voices in my head. The overwhelming clear message I have carried well into adulthood is that I am worthless and don't matter and will never make a difference. That I will never be more than a pathetic victim. Those are the voices in my head that scream and rage and sound so fuckingly, devastatingly familiar.

Something is beginning to shift however, there are new voices in my head that are telling me a different story. I have shared here in this blog that I have spent the past few months since I disclosed my childhood sexual abuse finally asking for help. I am surrounding myself with support in the form of The ManKind Project and the Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 Step Program. It's taken a while to sink in, but I am starting to notice that the support, encouragement, and love from these amazing new people in my life is slowly restoring my faith in humanity. Their words telling me that I am a good man, that I am brave and strong, that I am compassionate and loving; these words are slowly sinking in and competing with the old voices in my head. Right now it's a bit chaotic with the old voices and the new at war in my mind and spirit. The thing that gives me hope and keeps me moving forward is that I think the new voices in my head are winning. There are times that I don't feel worthless anymore. There are times that I think my life has value. There are times that I feel like I might even be able to make a difference. And you know what? That feels pretty damn good!