Wednesday, March 7, 2018

My Healing Journey: Down A New Road


This month marks a year since I disclosed my status as a childhood sexual abuse survivor for the very first time. Over the past year, I have been rocked with nightmares, flashbacks, disassociative episodes, and other reminders of my horrific childhood. At the same time, I have spent the past year as an active member of The ManKind Project and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families attempting to work through the issues I am facing both as a survivor and in my life in general.

While I have found support in MKP and ACA and met many wonderful people, there have been challenges. When I speak about my childhood sexual abuse in general terms, I am met with great support. It is when I attempt to dive deeper into my childhood wounds that I have perceived a shift in the way these people see me. The reactions I get range from pity to disgust when I go past the surface of my childhood abuse. While I judge that most of them mean well, I am left feeling like a circus freak. I see the looks of horror and pity on their faces and I just shut down and my defenses go back up. I am tired of carrying this weight and not feeling like I have anywhere that I can set it down for even a moment without feeling like a burden on the very people I have been turning to for help.

Feeling like a freak who makes everyone uncomfortable has been my default setting for most of the last year. Luckily for me, there are people who love me enough to urge me to continue to seek out resources and support in whatever form it may take. A fellow MKP member and CSA survivor recently pointed me in the direction of a local domestic violence/sexual assault non-profit that is open to male survivors as well. While at first I resisted picking up the phone to call, I finally did.

This morning was my first counseling appointment with a sexual assault advocate. I didn't really know what to expect. I went in full of fear and uncertainty. The woman I met with seemed warm and genuine, but I was still nervous about telling her my story. Once I started though it all came rushing out. And you know what? She didn't look at me with pity or disgust. She didn't go running out the door. She looked me in the eye and said, "What you have been through is not normal, but what you are feeling and experiencing because of it is normal." I was blown away. Those are words that I have longed to hear delivered in a way that made me believe her.

My childhood hell lasted for nearly a decade and continues to haunt me more than thirty years later, but still I have felt impatient like I somehow should feel better by now. The healing journey I have been on for the past year was a beginning, but I am far from the end. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and working with this sexual assault advocate is me choosing to take a new path. Here's hoping I'm on the right road...

I'm Still Standing

It has been 17 years since the Mother's Day on which I attempted to take my own life. When I woke up in the hospital they even told m...