Always Angry

 

There is a scene in the first Avengers movie that is iconic for me. The superheroes are facing down an alien army intent on destroying New York and Captain America turns to Dr. Banner and tells him it might be a good time to get angry. He looks back at Cap and tells him his secret is that he's always angry before he transforms into the Incredible Hulk and roars off into the sky to tear apart the approaching alien hoard.

"That's my secret Captain. I'm always angry." Boy can I relate to that statement. I had a conversation with a friend last night who brought up the subject of forgiveness as a potential aspect of my journey to heal from my childhood sexual abuse. He suggested that I needed to forgive my abuser and to forgive God. When he said that everything went green, er, red. The thought of ever forgiving the monster who raped my childhood or the god who ignored my prayers and pleas for help set off a rage in me that erupted all over my friend. I was cursing my stepfather and cursing god and damning them both straight to hell. And you know what? It felt really damn good.

Anger has been my constant companion for as far back as I can remember. In many ways, I credit my anger for driving me and keeping me going all of these years. It is my anger at my stepfather, his friends, my mother, and everyone else who turned a blind eye to the rape and suffering of a little boy that is giving me the courage to finally share my story out loud so that I and others might heal from it. I have kept this secret for over thirty years and it was never mine to keep. It is their dirty little secret, not mine. Fuck them! I'm not keeping it for them anymore!!!

Is it possible that someday my journey to heal might take me to a place of forgiveness? Maybe. But in the meantime, my anger over my stolen innocence and abandonment still serves me well. My anger gives me the strength to finally break the silence and roar my truth at the heavens for all to hear. So that's the secret behind this blog; I'm always angry. I'm just done being angry at myself and directing it instead at the ones who deserve it.