I never thought I would ever look forward to Mondays, but ever since I joined a ManKind Project I-Group that meets every Monday night it is now my favorite day of the week. I've shared a couple of times here on this blog that it was at a ManKind Project New Warrior Training Adventure weekend that I first disclosed my childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather and his friends. That has gotten some people asking about MKP so I thought I would share the impact that this brotherhood has continued to have on my life and my recovery since I joined in February of this year.
When I joined MKP I was a boy trying desperately to fool people into thinking I was a man. I hated my life. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling a burning hatred for my own reflection. With all of the guilt and shame and rage and despair from my childhood locked away inside of me, it was like a cancer that was killing me from the inside out. MKP had been on my radar for a few years and I had made half-hearted attempts at reaching out in the past, but by the time this year came around I decided I needed to do something. Something needed to change. They say that change only comes when it hurts too much to allow things to stay the way they are. I am a living example of the truth in that statement.
So February of this year came around and I decided to reach out and ask for help. A man from the local MKP I-Group responded and invited me to a weekly Monday meeting. I went into this meeting not being able to trust anyone. My childhood had robbed me of that ability. I never really let anyone get close even though I gave the appearance of doing so. I always kept people at arms length. To this day I can't really put into words how they did it, but over the course of the next month this group of a dozen or so men made it past my defenses. Not only did I like them, I realized upon receiving their invitation to take it to the next level by attending the NWTA that I actually trusted them. It was such an odd feeling, but it gave me hope. I trusted these men and they told me this experience would make a difference in my life. Understatement.
Putting this newfound trust to the test, I attended my MKP NWTA this past March and began to transform my life. Over the past few months a swift, yet gradual, series of changes have been sweeping through my life. For the first time I feel like I am in the driver's seat. I am awake. I am setting boundaries in my life. I am shining a light on my shadows. I am facing my past head on so that I can finally see myself as a man with a future. These men in my Monday night group are leading by example and mentoring me to be the kind of man I never thought I could be. The tools that I am learning from The ManKind Project are helping me to create a life I am starting to be proud of. The best part of it all is that with everything I have been through, I can finally look the man in the mirror in the eye and smile...
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